Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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