put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
