you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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