And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
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