apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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