Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
