eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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