I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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