i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize