my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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