her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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