Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
