please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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