you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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