I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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