The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
