some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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