I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
