i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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