Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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