I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
