A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's rum buckets o'clock
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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