I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
