I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
