dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
