When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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