Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
