I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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