My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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