the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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