My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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