From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
handjob tips. give me some.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
