Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize