Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
