So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
