It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize