Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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