My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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