Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
