I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize