i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize