It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
