May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
