We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
