If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
