i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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