i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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