listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize