You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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