you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize