You really coming over, don't trick.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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