so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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