and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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