a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
