I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
