The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
