the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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