There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize