not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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