broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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