Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
