yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
