tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
