Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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