going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
